<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Only a moment, only a lifetime by Ana_Jacobs</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28955583">Only a moment, only a lifetime</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ana_Jacobs/pseuds/Ana_Jacobs'>Ana_Jacobs</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>2020, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Arthur Pendragon Returns (Merlin), Arthur and the 21st century, Awkwardness, But Merlin has been living for 1500 years, COVID, Confused Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Confusion, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, He can't remember I tell you, He does not remember, I promise, I will make Merlin eventually happy because he deserves it, It's physically impossible, M/M, Memory Loss, Mentions of Covid, Mentions of the Holocaust, Merlin Deserves Better (Merlin), Merlin Freaks out, Misunderstandings, Once and Future King, POV Merlin (Merlin), Post-Canon, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:48:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,297</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28955583</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ana_Jacobs/pseuds/Ana_Jacobs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Freya announces Merlin that Arthur is to come back and Merlin panics. He has been waiting and living alone for fifteen hundred years, and he has no memories left of his life in Camelot with Arthur. He has almost forgotten his king, and he cannot tell what part of the story he has been telling himself throughout all those centuries is real and what part is made up anymore. He begrudgingly commits himself to the task destiny has set upon him, and welcomes Arthur back into his life. </p><p>Awkwardness and angst fill his first days with his king, as he struggles with his fears, his feelings and his blurred memories, and as he slowly lets a frustrated and confused Arthur again into his heart...</p><p>Or</p><p>-Two days, three nights, two men, a cabin and a lake-</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>71</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>202</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Come heal me now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I love Arthur returns fics. And I told myself I would never write one. Look at me now xD</p><p>No, really. I always enjoy seeing Merlin welcoming Arthur back, and receiving him with a hug and telling him how much he has missed him but then... I don't know, he has been living for 1500 years. He spent like 10 years? with Arthur and then fifteen hundred years without him. I tried to think what it would be like, and I got to the conclusion that I cannot even start to imagine it, but I think if I were Merlin I would feel more or less  like he feels in this fic I've written. Because changes can be terrifying. And imagine what it must be like to live 1500 years waiting for something and suddenly see that something happening. You've got accostumed to just waiting, not really hoping that the wait will eventually end, and out of the blue your life as you have known it for so long just ends. It has to be terryfing. I can feel anxiety as I am typing this...</p><p>Also, I thought that last summer was a good moment for Arthur to return, so I'd say that the events of this story took place at some point in the summer of 2020. Arthur returns on a new moon, so maybe on 19th August 2020? </p><p>English is not my first language; sorry if there are any mistakes! But do not hesitate to point them out so I can fix them :)</p><p>I'll try and post a chapter weekly, but I don't promise anything because right now I am combining two jobs with two different studies and I don't even know how I am still alive. But then again, nothing helps me get away like writing does. </p><p>As soon as the work is complete, I'll post it in Spanish too.</p><p>I hope you like it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The surface of the lake was an infinite mantle of stars. There was not a single cloud to veil the night sky, nor a moon to rest brightness to the stars. Far from the lights of civilization, the sky wore its finest robes, silver against the darkest black, and the crystal-clear waters of the lake seemed to contain the whole universe. One could get lost in that sense of endlessness, feeling terribly small and at the same time a part of a whole. Perhaps it could even be possible to glimpse the meaning of life in that mirror of the infinite.</p><p>But no one was there to look in it.</p><p>No one but Merlin. Merlin, who would not stop shooting nervous glances at the lake, without noticing any of this.</p><p>The boy was standing in front of the lake, and he was using the toes of his left foot to scratch his right calf obsessively and stumbling in the process. He was shaking from head to toe. His breathing was shallow, uneven, and he did not seem to know what to do with his hands. </p><p>That was because he actually did not know what to do with his hands. He did not know what to do with any part of his body. He just felt a whirlwind of anxiety in the pit of his stomach, threatening to swallow him whole. A devastating sense of unreality enveloped him; he was merely aware of what he was doing there. He could hardly say if he was really him, or if he was still alive. Maybe he was dreaming. Maybe he was nothing but a ghost anchored to a place and its memories. He felt dizzy. He barely could breath. If he could die, he would think he was about to do it. But, since he was immortal, he just had the impression that he might pass out at any moment.</p><p>Ah, that would be quite embarrassing, if Arthur showed up and he fainted right under his royal nose right afterwards, like some corseted lady from one of those nineteenth century novels. Or if he walked out of the like to find him already unconscious. He may decide then to turn around and return to the bottom of the lake, just so he would not have to deal with his incompetence.</p><p>Ah, yes. Arthur was coming back that night.</p><p>Freya had announced his rising from the dead two weeks before. Merlin had been having his supper placidly when the amulet he always wore around his neck had started to shine. The amulet was a crystal teardrop containing water from Lake Avalon that Merlin had made some centuries ago. Merlin had gasped and broken said amulet in a crystal bowl. The smiley face of the Lady of the Lake had immediately materialized in the tiny puddle.</p><p>“Good news. The time of the Future King is upon us. The future is no more; it’s present. Arthur will rise again. Arthur will come back to you next new moon.”</p><p>“No,” Merlin had whispered, horrified.</p><p>No. Freya had announced that Arthur would come back, and Merlin had said no.</p><p>He still hated himself for that.</p><p>And he still wanted to shout “no”.</p><p>Merlin had been waiting for more than fifteen centuries. If anyone asked him who he was and what he did for a living, and he could be sincere, he would say that he was Merlin, and that he waited. That was him. Merlin, the one who waits. He had been doing it all his life. Or almost all his life. He had lived about thirty years like a normal person —or at least as normal as a sorcerer in a kingdom in which magic is banned on penalty of death can live— and then he had lived another fifteen hundred years waiting. That was his eternal job: he was Merlin, and his job was waiting. It was the only thing that had remained permanent throughout the centuries. That, and loneliness. Loneliness had been with him since birth. Loneliness was his most faithful companion.</p><p>And now these two things, which had become the very two things that defined him, were going to be taken from him. He was not going to be alone anymore. And he would not have to wait, because he was not going to have anything to wait for.</p><p>He felt lost. He felt as if, out of the blue, he had been knocked violently out of the orbit in which he had been spinning so comfortably for so long. For a long time, he had simply let himself be carried away by that circular movement, which always went on, and on, and on, in the same certain and safe way. In that constant and placid movement, at some point, Merlin had forgotten which star he was circling around.</p><p>Yes, of course he did many other things, apart from “waiting”. Throughout the different ages, Merlin had always been a doctor, adjusting and enthusiastically learning the discoveries and advances that the pass of time brought along. He had been a professor in different institutions and of different subjects. He had read almost every book ever written. And, lately, he had been painstakingly devoted to the task of watching every movie ever filmed. All in all, it is not possible to wait physically; his long wait was more like a perpetual emotional state. So he tried to make it more pleasant by doing all those activities he had learnt to enjoy. But, what always laid underneath it all, the very thing that gave sense to his life, was to wait.</p><p>Merlin did not know if he would know how to be Merlin, if he did not have to wait. How can you live with the same goal for a thousand years and then be expected to know how to keep living once that aim is no more?</p><p>And then something happens with waits, especially with the long ones. One is almost afraid they will end. Sometimes, the illusion with which something is expected is better than getting it. Because then disappointment can come. And, the bigger the expectations, the more devastating said disappointment can be.</p><p>Merlin had been idealizing the object of his waiting for fifteen hundred years. It was a long time, too long, and he had forgotten almost everything about his life in Camelot. And, inevitably and painfully, he had also forgotten Arthur. He had forgotten his face, his smile, his eyes, his voice. He had that faint memory of his hair, which was golden like wheat fields in summer. Everything else was gone, so he had put the remaining pieces together and sculpted his own king as he liked.</p><p>And he had made up a fabulous tale in which he had been his servant, but also his friend. In that story, he and Arthur were the main characters, and Arthur was a bit of a prat and Merlin was always picking on him for that, but Arthur did not mind —because deep down he had a big heart— and he just teased him back, and they always had a great time together. And Merlin had imagined that Arthur looked at him fondly and that he allowed him to ride him beside him, instead of behind him. He had dreamt that between them there was a kind of communication that did not need of words, and that Arthur trusted him like he trusted no one. And he had convinced himself that Arthur was the best king who had ever lived, that he was beautiful and fair and majestic, brighter than the sun. Someone whom Merlin had loved with all the intensity with which a human being is capable of loving, someone for whom Merlin had felt a fierce and proud love. And he had decided that Arthur had loved him too.</p><p>Oh, yeah. Merlin had imagined a love story that would survive even the end of the world. But it was a long time since he had stopped telling that story in first person. It no longer seemed to him that he had lived it, and he had become an omniscient narrator of what he would have wanted his memories to be.</p><p>And he no longer knew what was true in all this. Probably nothing. And he felt ridiculous and terrified. Because he was about to face the real King Arthur, who was a complete stranger to him. Arthur, who was a king from Early Middle Ages. And he was nothing but his servant.</p><p>He was his servant. He was his servant. He was his servant.</p><p>“Merlin, above all, behave as such,” he reminded himself, dazed.</p><p>He only had one certainty: he had been preparing for over one millennium and a half for that moment, and he could not feel less prepared.</p><p>Suddenly, the surface of the lake glowed, as if the sun had found shelter underneath its waters. Merlin had to close his eyes, because the light was too bright. When he opened them again, the only trace of the light was a faint supernatural luminosity floating over the waters. The lake was still the mirror of the sky. The crickets kept singing. The breeze of that summer night continued to sway the branches of the willows.</p><p>And standing inside the lake was a man.</p><p>Merlin held his breath. He could not make out his face in that dimness, but he saw how the man looked around, trying to ubicate. His gaze seemed to fix on the trees, on the lake on… on him.</p><p>Shit.</p><p>“MERLIN?”</p><p>Shit. A part of Merlin had believed that perhaps he could go unnoticed. After all, he was strategically standing at the foot of the trees, and it was dark and, how the hell had Arthur recognized him so quickly? Was his silhouette really that unmistakable?</p><p>Arthur —oh, God, Arthur— had started running towards him, splashing and laughing heartily. His laugh, for some reason, unlocked in Merlin’s mind the haze memory of a moonlit clearing, a slayed dragon and the wild joy of feeling alive.</p><p>“Merlin! You did it!” he said, still laughing in that extremely joyous way, and Merlin registered that somehow he was speaking modern English. “You did it! You really did it!”</p><p>And he kept laughing in wonder, until he reached Merlin and pulled him into a suffocating hug.</p><p>Merlin froze. He had not seen that coming. Perhaps that man was not Arthur. That man who was trembling against him, who was holding him so impossibly close with that desperate need, could not be Arthur.</p><p>“Good Lord, Merlin how did you do it?” the supposed Arthur whispered in his ear, still hugging him. “I really thought that… It’s a miracle. You are a miracle.”</p><p>Finally, he pulled away, and Merlin could look at him for the first time. He was wearing his chainmail and the cloak Merlin had sent him with to the other side in that boat, and he was definitely Arthur. His eyes glowed, full of life, and Merlin had forgotten how beautiful they were, he had forgotten those flecks of sapphire that adorned his deep blue irises. He had forgotten the shape of his aristocratic nose, and how he used to quirk his lips up in that crooked smile of his.</p><p>Inexplicably, Arthur was even more attractive than he had thought he remembered. More than he could have ever imagined.</p><p>“What’s wrong with your hair?” he heard Arthur say, and saw the king narrowing his eyes in an attempt to make out his features more clearly. Not satisfied enough with the information his eyes provided him, he raised a hand to fiddle with his fringe. “It looks weird. Like longer. And curly.” He took a step back and eyed him up and down with that same critical expression.</p><p>“And what the hell are you wearing?” he asked, letting out a surprised chuckle. “What has happened to your clothes?”</p><p>He looked around, as if searching for Merlin’s old rags.</p><p>“How did you manage to change your clothes here?”</p><p>When Merlin did not give any answer, he gave a wry smile and tapped him on the ear.</p><p>“Oh, I see. Magic, isn’t it? Is this part of a weird sorcerer’s mourning ritual, or something like that?” he asked. “Because, if you haven’t noticed… it turns out that I’m alive,” he pointed out with a wide grin.</p><p>An involuntary sigh escaped from Merlin’s lips.</p><p>“And all thanks to you. Thank you. Thank you, Merlin.”</p><p>Huh? He had done nothing. Nothing apart from waiting.</p><p>Arthur looked around and frowned.</p><p>“I thought it was dawn. Is it night already? How long have I been unconscious?”</p><p>What?</p><p>“Or have you done something with your magic?” Arthur asked suspiciously but amicably.</p><p>Merlin felt short of breath. He hardly processed anything that was happening, but it looked like Arthur thought that Merlin had saved his life. That he… That Arthur had not…</p><p>He stumbled.</p><p>“Merlin? Are you okay?” Arthur’s voice sounded worried. Perhaps Merlin had already passed out, and everything was just a dream. “Wait, you haven’t done anything stupid, have you?”</p><p>Merlin blinked slowly, and probably uncoordinatedly too.</p><p>“Merlin,” he finally sounded severe and authoritative, like the king he was. “Tell me what you have done to save me. Please, tell me you haven’t made any stupid sacrifice.”</p><p>It was all too much. It surpassed him. It was more than Merlin could bear.</p><p>“Merlin, tell me something. What’s wrong? Why aren’t you saying anything? Can you talk?”</p><p>Arthur’s voice sounded agitated and urgent, but it also sounded distant and weak, and Merlin could not understand what he was saying. He could not think clearly. He was sure that his soul had left his body, leaving behind nothing but an empty and useless shell.</p><p>With his remaining dignity and willpower, he committed himself to fulfil his destiny. So, before his knees buckled, he dropped one to the ground and bowed his head respectfully, though he could not stop shaking.</p><p>“Merlin!” Arthur called, sounding alarmed.</p><p>“Welcome back, Your Majesty,” Merlin managed to say, sticking to the formula he had rehearsed over and over. “I am once again at your service.”</p><p>Arthur did not answer immediately. He took his time before he spoke again. But Merlin could not imagine why, because he did not dare raise his head to look at him, and thus he could not know what might be going through his head.</p><p>“Merlin, what…” Arthur mumbled at last, and he looked completely lost. “What the hell are you doing?”</p><p>Merlin gritted his teeth.</p><p>“I’m your servant, until the day I die.”</p><p>Silence again.</p><p>“Merlin. Get up, come on.”</p><p>Merlin did not move.</p><p>“Merlin, get up.”</p><p>Merlin shook his head fiercely.</p><p>“Merlin, you idiot, you don’t have to kneel before me. Now less than ever.”</p><p>Arthur grabbed his arm and tried to pull him to his feet, but Merlin felt anchored to the ground, as if he had taken roots. He could not face that disconcertingly close Arthur, so similar to the Arthur Merlin had always dreamed of.</p><p>“It’s me who should kneel before you.”</p><p>Not a day had passed for Arthur. But for Merlin it had been a lifetime, a very long lifetime. And Merlin did not know him. Not anymore.</p><p>“So, if you don’t get up right now, I’ll kneel too.”</p><p>Merlin did not know what Arthur was expecting of him. But he was expecting <em>something</em>.  Maybe, only for him to be the same Merlin he had known. And Merlin could not do that, he did not know how to do that. And he knew he was failing him. Again.</p><p>“Very well, as you please.”</p><p>Very slowly, Arthur knelt in front of him. When their faces were finally at the same level, Arthur placed a hand on his shoulder and one under his chin. Gently, he forced his face up.</p><p>“Merlin?” he called, his voice filled with uncertainty.</p><p>Merlin’s eyes met Arthur’s at last. And he did not know what Arthur saw in his, but his gaze was tinged with sadness.</p><p>“Oh, Merlin. What happened to you?”</p><p>“Time,” Merlin whispered.</p><p>And, unable to restrain himself any longer, he burst into tears.</p><p>His king wrapped his arms around him awkwardly. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The title of this first chapter is a reference to the song Alone In The Dark, by Will Cookson. </p><p>If you don't know it and you like songs with strong Merthur vibes, I strongly recommend you to listen to it. It's an amazing song, and everytime I listen to it I imagine Merlin sitting by the lake and singing it to Arthur in that exact soft voice of the singer. It always leaves me breathless.</p><p>Kudos and comments are always welcome! I would love to hear your opinions so far :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. To build a home for you, for me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took Merlin a while to regain his composure, but when he did, he freed himself from Arthur’s arms and got up with resolution, as if nothing had happened.</p><p>“You must retrieve your sword,” he announced professionally, and turned away from Arthur to get closer to the shore of the lake. That irreal luminosity still hovered over the waters, and he knew that Freya was there, waiting.</p><p>“Where is it?” Arthur asked, coming to stand by his side.</p><p>Merlin merely pointed forward, and Arthur frowned.</p><p>“Freya!” Merlin called.</p><p>The surface of the lake trembled ever so slightly, and small waves started to kiss the tip of their shoes.</p><p>“We need a sword fit for a king,” he demanded.</p><p>By his side, Arthur gasped when the blade of a sword broke the surface of the lake. In front of them, held by an ethereal hand, Excalibur glowed as if it had just been forged.</p><p>“Take it, Sire,” Merlin encouraged him. “You are the only person who can wield it. It has been waiting for you for a long time.”</p><p>Arthur walked into the lake unsteadily and took the sword that the ghostly hand offered to him. When he had it in his power, the hand disappeared under the water leaving no trace, as if it had been nothing more than a fragment of their imagination.</p><p>“Thank you, Freya,” Merlin muttered, and the luminous halo finally faded away.</p><p>“Merlin?” he heard Arthur’s voice say. “It’s a little bit dark here, don’t you think?”</p><p>The hint of a smile touched Merlin’s lips. He whispered an enchantment and raised a hand, over which a small but very luminous sphere of light appeared. The sphere floated between him and Arthur, illuminating the king’s features. Arthur looked at the source of light in surprise, and right afterwards a warm smile spread over his face.</p><p>“It’s not the first time I’ve seen something like this,” he commented as he approached Merlin. “And it’s not the first time you’ve done something like this either. Am I wrong?”</p><p>Merlin looked at him, not knowing what he meant.</p><p>“In the caves of Baloch. When I was about to die while trying to get you that flower. A light like this showed up to guide me. It took me to safety. It was you, wasn’t it?”</p><p>Merlin did not recall any of this, so he shrugged. It had been probably him.</p><p>“Of course it was you.”</p><p>Arthur’s voice sounded so warm that Merlin could not help but shiver.</p><p>“I think we might as well go home, Sire. I presume you must have many questions,” Merlin said respectfully.</p><p>Arthur nodded absentmindedly, still staring at the orb of light, which moved in front of them to light the way.</p><p>“So, it’s true that you had magic from the beginning. Where did you learn to do all these things?”</p><p>This time, Merlin did have an answer.</p><p>“I was born like this. When I got to Camelot, I was able to learn some spells thanks to Ga- to Gaius.” It felt strange pronouncing that name again. “But most of the time I don’t need them. Magic is something innate in me. It’s… a part of me. I can use it instinctively.”</p><p>Arthur stared at him with such an intensity that it almost hurt.</p><p>“Gaius told me you are the most powerful sorcerer ever to walk the Earth,” he said, and it was a statement, not a question.</p><p>Merlin shrugged.</p><p>“I’m the only one left.”</p><p>Arthur frowned, confused, but he did not add anything.</p><p>“Where are we going?” he asked after a while. “I know navigation is not your strong point but, in case you hadn’t noticed, Camelot is in the opposite direction.”</p><p>“Oh. Right. We… ah… We are not going to Camelot, my Lord.”</p><p>“Where are we going then?”</p><p>“My home.”</p><p>Arthur shot him a surprised stare.</p><p>“Ealdor isn’t in that direction either.”</p><p>“I didn’t mean Ealdor,” Merlin clarified, and he did not add that there had not been such a place in more than a millennium. In fact, it was the first time in more than a thousand years that he had heard the name of his birthplace. “I live in a cabin nearby.”</p><p>“Since when?” Arthur said, letting out an incredulous chuckle.</p><p>Merlin shook his head, and he did not feel strong enough as to give an answer.</p><p>“Merlin. There’s something you’re not telling me, am I wrong?” Arthur asked softly.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Sire. I’ll inform you of everything as soon as we get there. It’s… We better be seated. It’s long to explain.”</p><p>“All right,” Arthur said, but his voice sounded uncertain, and Merlin hated himself for that.</p><p>Merlin did not dare look at him.</p><p>“Your hair looks good like that,” Arthur commented in an attempt to ease the tension. “Really, I mean it. It makes you look a bit less of an idiot. Not that a haircut can work miracles though, you know. But… it’s just... It’s not bad.”</p><p>“My Lord.”</p><p>“But the clothes… I mean… I’m not sure I like them. I don’t even know what kind of material they are made of. Do they give you an extra power or something like that?”</p><p>In any other situation Merlin would have laughed, but he thought it was not proper.</p><p>“It’s just clothes, my Lord.”</p><p>Arthur remained silent for a while.</p><p>“I haven’t offended you, have I?”</p><p>Merlin stopped to finally look at him.</p><p>“I mean, if I have… I’m sorry.”</p><p>Arthur looked worried. He looked confused. He was staring at him, as if trying to unravel the mystery Merlin had suddenly become.</p><p>“No. No, of course you haven’t offended me, Your Majesty. Forgive me if I gave you that impression.”</p><p>Arthur shook his head; his eyes were sad.</p><p>“Merlin…” he started, but he pursed his lips and did not finish the sentence.</p><p>They looked into each other’s eyes, and time seemed to freeze.</p><p>“Ehm… we are not far,” Merlin said awkwardly.</p><p>Arthur looked disappointed.</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>“I can prepare you a hot bath. The water of the lake was cold, and it’ll help you warm up. And then I can make you some dinner.”</p><p>“Herb crusted capons?” Arthur asked automatically.</p><p>Merlin flinched. He would have never expected to be able to recall something as trivial as Arthur’s favourite meal but, oh, how he wished he had remembered it.</p><p>“No. I… I’ve run out of capons. But I can make you some chicken, if you wish.”</p><p>“Oh. Thank you, Merlin,” Arthur said in an impersonal tone that emulated Merlin’s.</p><p>“At your service, Sire,” Merlin replied with a respectful bow, which strangely seemed to put Arthur off.</p><p>“Arthur,” he grumbled.</p><p>“Sire?”</p><p>“Arthur. My name is Arthur,” he huffed, frustrated. “I think I haven’t heard you say my name since I… since I’m back.”</p><p>“Oh. I’m sorry, Sire,” Merlin retorted, which earned him a new glare. “A-Arthur.”</p><p>Did that mean that he could address him by his first name? It did not seem appropriate. Perhaps he was meant to use it occasionally, to ration it.</p><p>“We are almost there.”</p><p>His beautiful house emerged into sight. With a smooth movement of his hand, the candles he had placed in all the rooms —because he had decided that it would be better to introduce Arthur into the world of electricity little by little— lit up, illuminating the rooms with a warm orange-coloured gleam that seemed to welcome them through the windows. Arthur startled, surprised, but he did not take offence at this new display of Merlin’s magic. He looked at the cabin with evident curiosity, and almost with approval. Merlin’s stomach shrank over the perspective of letting Arthur in. Once he was inside, he would be in his life definitely, and the place that had been his home, his shelter for so long, would stop being only his. He could not stop seeing Arthur as an intruder, an intruder who he was about to let sneak into his life just because that was what he was supposed to do.</p><p>His heart, however, beat with a warmness he did not recall having ever felt before. Merlin supposed it was not a bad sign. He hoped that warmness would spread and defeat the cold, that cold that gripped him and did not let him get closer to that man who was supposed to be his destiny.</p><p>“It’s beautiful. I’ve never seen wood so well treated,” Arthur commented awkwardly.</p><p>Of course he had not.</p><p>“Magic again?”</p><p>“You could say so,” Merlin answered, a hint of a smile touching his lips.</p><p>Something in Arthur’s eyes seemed to light up at Merlin’s smile.</p><p>“Welcome to my humble abode, Sire.”</p><p>Arthur frowned as he heard him use his title once more.</p><p>“Come in, Arthur,” Merlin invited him in, stepping aside and holding out an arm, not quite believing that he was saying those words at last.</p><p>“Make yourself at home,” he added, with a certain sense of defeat.</p><p>*****</p><p>“Would you stop behaving like George?” Arthur said at last sharply.</p><p>“I don’t… I don’t understand what you mean, my Lord.”</p><p>To begin with, he had no idea who this George was.</p><p>“I mean precisely this. All this… paraphernalia. The bath. The food. You, standing there in this silence that is… that is not just like you at all.”</p><p>Merlin blinked, confused.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Sire, I…”</p><p>“And stop calling me sire, my lord or your majesty or by any other damned title. Please. It’s making me anxious.”</p><p>“But…”</p><p>“Arthur. Please. Call me Arthur. Right? Like you always do,” Arthur said, almost desperately.</p><p>“Like I… always do?” Merlin stuttered.</p><p>Arthur sighed.</p><p>“Okay. You are going to tell me what’s wrong with you. Because this is not normal.”</p><p>“What is not normal?”</p><p>“You.”</p><p>Merlin blinked.</p><p>“First, whatever happened back at the lake. And now this. Something strange happens to you. I didn’t want to be insensitive, Merlin, I was trying to be nice to you. I mean, I know these last few days haven’t been easy. But this is too much. So, we’re going to sit in those weird chairs over there and you’re going to tell me what the hell is going on. Now.”</p><p>Merlin followed him to one of the armchairs in a defeated silence. He had hidden everything that screamed 21<sup>st</sup> century and could scare Arthur. But still Arthur had found the furniture and materials strange. And the bathroom. Merlin had the impression that Arthur had decided that the shower was some kind of magical device, and that the toilet and sink were sorcerer eccentricities. The food, for now, had lacked potatoes, tomatoes and all those products from the New World, though Merlin was secretly looking forward to having Arthur try all those new meals. Chocolate. Arthur would love chocolate. Or so he believed.</p><p>It had been awkward. Merlin did not know where to stand, how to behave, how to talk to him; he did not even know what to say to him. He had suddenly been all too aware of himself and of the entire length of his body, and of how useless hands can be when there is nothing to do with them. And the silence, to which he was so accustomed, had become terribly thick and almost unbearable. Merlin had been able to feel Arthur’s discomfort increasing by the second to match his own.</p><p>And now they were sitting face to face. And Merlin had to give him the worst news one man can give another.</p><p>“Well? I’m all ears,” Arthur demanded.</p><p>“Mmm.”</p><p>Merlin had rehearsed it. He had rehearsed it more than a thousand times. He knew what to say, and how to say it. But he had not mustered the courage to do so.</p><p>“What happened, Merlin? How come am I alive? How did you manage to save me? And, above all, what has happened <em>to you</em>?”</p><p>“I told you,” Merlin replied weakly. “Time…”</p><p>And, without further ado, he told him <em>everything</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I'll teach you everything I know</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hours later Merlin lay awake, staring at the ceiling of his room. It was daytime, but after spending the whole night talking, Arthur had announced that he needed to retire to rest, and Merlin had decided to do the same, though he knew he would not get to sleep. </p><p>He could not stop thinking about Arthur. He wondered if he, too, was staring the ceiling of the room Merlin had always had arranged for him, lying on that huge bed on top of those red and gold duvets Merlin knew too well. Arthur’s room was decorated with original furniture from Camelot that Merlin had preserved with his magic all those years, and now he wondered if Arthur appreciated it or if it just caused him pain. He wondered if he had cried, if he was crying.</p><p>Merlin had been silently crying all the time they had been apart, knowing he had broken the heart of the man who slept on the other side of that thin wall which nevertheless seemed impenetrable.</p><p>If he closed his eyes, he could still clearly see the broken expression on Arthur’s face, the lost look in his clear eyes. When Merlin had finished talking, he had gotten up from his armchair without a word and staggered over to one of the windows that overlooked the lake. He had remained silent for what had seemed a century, staring at the lake with glassy eyes and blessing the crystal with his warm breath.</p><p>“Fifteen hundred years,” he had finally whispered, very slowly. “Fifteen hundred years,” he had repeated.</p><p>And, with that, he had announced that he needed to rest.</p><p>Unable to remain still any longer, Merlin jumped to his feet and rummaged through his dresser drawers until he found his most precious treasure. Arthur’s mother’s sigil. He had not polished it in a long time, and it had lost its lustre. Merlin clasped it in his hands, desperately trying to remember the moment Arthur had given it to him, trying to recapture what he had felt. He wanted to love Arthur as he deserved.</p><p>There was a muffled crack on the other side of the door.</p><p>“Merlin?” an insecure voice called.</p><p>Merlin put the sigil back into its drawer and ran out of his room.</p><p>“I’m here, Arthur.”</p><p>“Ah.”</p><p>He looked awful. His hair was dishevelled and his eyes red, in contrast with the purple half-moons underneath. But he stood firm on the ground, and his lips did not tremble. Merlin admired his mettle.</p><p>“I think we are past breakfast time.”</p><p>“Yes, I think so.”</p><p>Merlin tried to give him an encouraging smile.</p><p>“If… breakfast is still served at the same time.”</p><p>Merlin’s smile widened, and he could not help but feel an outburst of affection for that kingdomless king.</p><p>“Or if breakfast is still a thing at all.”</p><p>Merlin chuckled softly.</p><p>“Arthur,” he told him using his name, as he wanted. “I’m going to prepare you the best breakfast you have ever had. The 21<sup>st</sup> century has its perks, you know.”</p><p>*****</p><p>“Choco-late?”</p><p>“Chocolate.”</p><p>“Interesting.”</p><p>*****</p><p>Breakfast was a truce. Arthur did not mention anything related to their past lives, and neither did Merlin. He just explained that the world was much bigger now, because each of its corners had been discovered and travelled, which implied that there were many more possibilities in many aspects of life, and one of them, perhaps the best, was food.</p><p>But awkwardness returned soon enough. Arthur did not know what to do, and Merlin did not know what to do with Arthur either. They shot furtive glances to each other, they cleared their throats, they danced around each other like two caged lions assessing the situation, not daring to come closer. Merlin still did not know how to address Arthur, and Arthur treated him with a new wariness which Merlin could not decide if he appreciated or regretted. The warmth and closeness of the night before seemed to have evaporated.</p><p>Arthur decided that he should gradually get in touch with the novelties of this century Merlin had warned him about the night before.</p><p>“I must learn to manage in this world,” he said with a shrug, and Merlin became a guide in his cabin, for he considered that the best thing would be to go step by step and update Arthur from the security of his house before going out to the real world.   </p><p>That was his task, during that first day. Since he was a good teacher, he had prepared beforehand everything he had to teach Arthur. It was easier than he thought; he simply imagined that Arthur was just a student, and he plunged into the role of teacher placidly.</p><p>He started with the taps and the miracle of hot and cold tap water. He told him about electricity and showed him how to turn on the lights just by flipping a switch. He had to assure him that no, it was not magic, and that he would find such devices in any modern house, without any sorcerer living in it. He showed him the washing machine, oven, microwave, dishwasher, and refrigerator. Arthur watched everything, asked some questions, and listened without making too many comments.</p><p>Immersed in their home safari, it was soon lunchtime, and Merlin made Arthur his first fish and chips.</p><p>“Are you sure it’s not rat?” Arthur asked, eyeing the fry suspiciously.</p><p>“Rat? Why of all things would it be rat?” Merlin laughed, astonished.</p><p>Arthur scowled at him, shrugged, and gulped his food without breathing another word.</p><p>At one point, Merlin offered him the pot of Ketchup, and Arthur’s fingers brushed his very slightly in the process. His cheeks as red as the gravy, Merlin pulled his hand away as if he had been burned, and after that Arthur stared at him with a small crease between his eyebrows for a long time. Merlin evaded his eyes as much as possible, but he could not help but glance at him furtively as well, trying to recognize any familiar feature or gesture on his face and failing miserably.</p><p>After watching curiously how Merlin snapped his fingers to make the plates levitate and place themselves into the dishwasher, Arthur sat on the couch and asked Merlin to tell him more.</p><p>“What do you want to know, Sire?” Merlin asked, taking a seat by his side.</p><p>“Anything. Everything.”</p><p>“Everything…”</p><p>“Tell me about the world today. Just about today,” Arthur was quick to add, and Merlin realized that he did not want a History lesson.</p><p>He bit his lip pensively and he finally decided to show him some photographs he had expressly developed for the occasion. Arthur caressed them with his fingers, brought them close to his eyes, sniffed them and looked at them entranced.</p><p>“They are much more realistic than portraits,” he said.  </p><p>“Portraits or paintings, no matter how good, can never be exact copies. With cameras we can capture the image as it is. They work almost like our eyes. They capture what we see with them.”</p><p>Arthur traced a fingertip over the features of the person in the photograph he was looking at. Merlin’s heart skipped a beat when he realized it was him. It was a selfie, a stupid selfie. He did not quite know why he had developed that particular photograph.</p><p>“I wish we had something like this in Camelot,” Arthur muttered to himself, and Merlin realized that it was the first time he had mentioned his lost kingdom since the night.</p><p>“You cannot imagine how many times I’ve thought that exact thing,” Merlin said irreflexively.</p><p>Arthur shot him a strange look, and Merlin evaded his eyes.</p><p>“Okay. Well, that’s a photograph. A static and frozen image. But we also have videos. We can… record scenes. Moments. We can capture them. It’s even better than photographs, you’ll see... But videos cannot be put on paper. We need screens to watch them.”</p><p>“Screens?”</p><p>“They are like… mirrors. Like windows through which we can see things that have already happened, or that are happening thousands of miles from here, or that have never really happened.”</p><p>“And it is still not magic?”</p><p>Merlin smiled.</p><p>“Still not magic.”</p><p>He turned on the television, and Arthur stared wide-eyed.</p><p>“Honestly, Arthur, I cannot explain how this works, because I don’t understand it.”</p><p>“But it is not magic.”</p><p>“If it were magic, I’d understand,” Merlin pointed out with a smile.</p><p>He showed him videos he had carefully selected. Nature documentaries, landscapes, people talking, laughing, living. He showed him fragments of newscasts in which the presenters reported some pieces of news, and he explained how thanks to these programs, among other media, everyone can be informed up to the minute of the most important news from around the globe. He told him about films, about how theater is now filmed and people create stories that can be seen over and over again. As a sample, he played a couple of clips from Braveheart which Arthur watched with a half-open mouth and fascinated eyes. From time to time he would get up to touch the screen with his fingertips, as if trying to understand that such a fine surface could contain entire worlds.</p><p>“Would you like to have a walk by the lake?” Merlin proposed after a while.</p><p>He had been avoiding casual encounters with images of cars, noisy cities or any other thing that could alter Arthur; he wanted to introduce him to the contemporary world little by little. Having a walk around the area should not provoke him any cultural-historical shock.</p><p>“Hmmm,” Arthur nodded absentmindedly. He was ducking and getting up around the living room to examinate the television from different angles.</p><p>“In that case, you should get dressed, Your Majesty.”</p><p>Arthur was wearing the pyjamas Merlin had lent him the night before.</p><p>“I’m dressed.”</p><p>“You know what I mean.”</p><p>“I don’t know how I am supposed to dress. This morning I couldn’t find my clothes anywhere, and what you are wearing doesn’t make any sense to me.”</p><p>Merlin looked at his jeans and his jumper and laughed.</p><p>“Well, Arthur, it’s not that complicated.”</p><p>He rummaged through his file of photographs.</p><p>“Here. See? Now people dress like this. These are jeans, this is a t-shirt, these are trainers.”</p><p>Arthur eyed the photographs as if they were something offensive.</p><p>“I could show you now all the new clothes I've bought you, if you wish.”</p><p>“And my clothes?” he demanded.</p><p>“You mean that tunic covered in mud and blood and those rougher-than-sandpaper breeches, also covered in mud? They are in the washing machine, Sire.”</p><p>Merlin flinched instantly, mentally cursing. How could he be so impertinent? Arthur was a king, and he was his servant! But Arthur did not scold him, and when Merlin dared to give him a sidelong glance, he found that he was smiling placidly.</p><p>More relaxed, he opened the wardrobe and showed him all the clothes he had bought for him.</p><p>“There you go: jeans, t-shirts, jumpers, hoodies. All you need to blend in with today’s youth,” Merlin told him cheerfully.</p><p>Arthur looked at the items Merlin showed him with a frown.</p><p>“Isn’t it a bit too much?”</p><p>“Too much?”</p><p>“I’ve never had so many clothes. And until now I’ve always been either a prince or a king,” he noticed.</p><p>“Well…” Merlin began, scratching his head. “The truth is I didn’t know what your size would be. So I bought you clothes of different sizes, just in case.”</p><p>Arthur cast him a strange look.</p><p>“You didn’t remember my measurements?”</p><p>Merlin blinked in confusion.</p><p>“How was I supposed to remember such a thing?”</p><p>“Because you used to… I mean. My clothes. You…” Arthur stopped, and then he opened and closed his mouth without a word coming to it, like a fish gasping uselessly for air.</p><p>Merlin cleared his throat, feeling uneasy again.</p><p>“Anyway, everything is much more comfortable and flexible now; it has nothing to do with what we used to wear back then. T-shirts breathe better in summer, and sweaters are warmer in winter. Oh, and let’s not talk about coats, especially anoraks. Thanks to them, cold is a thing from the past.”</p><p>Arthur ventured a smile.</p><p>“I bet you’d have loved to have one of those for winter patrols. Your ridiculous ears were always frozen.”</p><p>“Oh yeah?” Merlin said, forcing a laugh. “Well, now we have wool beanies, a, uhm, kind of hat. I no longer have that problem.”</p><p>Arthur stared at him again in that same strange way. He looked devastated, Merlin realized. Why, he could not tell. </p><p>“Uhm. Okay. You’d better get dressed as soon as possible, Sire, before it gets too dark.”</p><p>“I have no idea how I am supposed to wear all these,” Arthur reminded him, gesturing reluctantly toward the wardrobe.</p><p>“Ah. Well. It’s not that difficult. Trousers are still trousers, you know. And shirts work in the same way. The big hole for the head, the small ones for the arms.” Merlin smiled weakly.</p><p>“Will you help me?” Arthur insisted.</p><p>“Euh... Yes. I- I will. If you don’t find it… uhm… uncomfortable…”</p><p>“Uncomfortable? Merlin, you’ve always dressed me. Why should it be uncomfortable now?”</p><p>“Huh. Oh. Okay.”</p><p>It turned out that Arthur actually did not need much help. Merlin simply chose the clothes —jeans, a navy-blue T-shirt, and a maroon sweater— and handed them to Arthur, who dressed without much trouble. Until...</p><p>“What’s this?” Arthur asked pointing at his trouser fly, and Merlin wondered in distress if it would be too disrespectful to refuse to pull it up for him.</p><p>“It’s a zip,” he said faintly. “You have to…”</p><p>“Ah. I think I got it,” Arthur cut him off as, to Merlin’s relieve, he managed to zip it up by himself.</p><p>"Now, trainers," Merlin indicated, bending down to tie them for him. "You have to tie the shoelaces, making a bow. <em>Over, under, around and through, Meet Mr. Bunny Rabbit, pull and through," </em>he chanted cheerfully.</p><p>"Good Lord, 1500 years old and you're still a big girl," Arthur grumbled.</p><p>Merlin, registering his fond tone, shot him a smile. </p><p>"I'm flattered. Girls rock. But I have to say, Sire, that we don't tolerate sexism in this house."</p><p>Arthur muttured some nonsense as Merlin got up to his feet again and looked at him assessingly.</p><p>“Here, you should put on a jacket as well. It is starting to get chilly at night,” Merlin told him, handing him a bomber jacket, and Arthur mumbled something about that George guy again.</p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p>“Nothing. It’s got this thingy again,” Arthur frowned upon discovering a new zip.</p><p>“Oh, yeah. This one is a bit trickier. Here. See, you have to hook it like that,” Merlin explained, zipping it up to Arthur's chest with expert fingers. Then, with a disapproving click of his tongue, he proceeded to put the collar of Arthur’s jacket up, because it was an absolute disaster.</p><p>Arthur’s breath caressed his forehead and, as if awakening from a dream, Merlin was suddenly terribly aware of the intimacy of it all. Aware of how close they were, of the way his fingers kept brushing slightly the skin of Arthur’s neck, and of Arthur’s burning gaze fixed on him, leaving him breathless.</p><p>Arthur, nonetheless, looked painfully relaxed, as if having Merlin fiddling with the sensitive skin of his nape were the most ordinary thing in the world, a mere part of a routine.</p><p>And maybe it was, Merlin told himself.</p><p>“Tell me, Merlin. Have you been married many times?” Arthur blurted out suddenly, and Merlin’s fingers twitched around the collar of his jacket.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You’ve been living for many years. I presume you’ve had time to… you know.”</p><p>Merlin, pained, shifted the weight of his legs.</p><p>“Many pretty brides?”</p><p>“No,” Merlin replied.</p><p>“Children?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Merlin?”</p><p>“I’ve met many people and I’ve had many types of relationships, but I’ve never had children. If I had gone around having children, by now the world would be inhabited by hundreds of my descendants and I don’t think I could live in peace,” Merlin explained heatedly.</p><p>“I guess it would be weird,” Arthur conceded after a brief silence, looking at him with something close to concern.</p><p>“Yes. Well. If you are ready… let's go.”</p><p>And he bit his tongue once more, cursing his impertinence. Merlin, you idiot, he thought, what do you think you are doing, giving him orders?</p><p>“Yes, Sire,” Arthur mocked with the faintest of smiles, showing no sign of being offended at all; rather the opposite.</p><p>They walked quietly. Outdoors the silence seemed less tense, less constricted, maybe because it had more space to spread and because it was filled with the songs of the birds and cicadas.</p><p>They only walked into an old couple from the neighbouring town, who had also gone out for a walk around the area. They eyed Arthur up and down and gaped at Merlin, as if it were the first time they had seen him in the company of another human being. And, now that Merlin realized, it probably was. He smiled at them a little smugly, and was tempted to hold Arthur’s hand, but after all he still had some instinct of self-preservation, so he did not do it.</p><p>He soon forgot about the neighbours and the gossip they would spread, because Arthur looked more relaxed than ever in that environment that he knew and had not changed. Merlin also felt something loosening in his chest.</p><p>Back in the cabin, however, the tension returned, and silence became heavy once more. Dinner included crepes, because Merlin loved crepes, and Arthur did not protest. He kept looking at him in that intense way, peering at him, like waiting for him to say or do something, and Merlin had no clue of what it could be.</p><p>“You like it?” he asked, gesturing towards the crepes.</p><p>“Mmmm," Arthur nodded. "It’s better than the stew you used to prepare during patrols."</p><p>“Yeah, well, I guess that's not a big deal,” Merlin smiled.</p><p>“Definetly, better than rat.”</p><p>Merlin stopped his glass of water halfway between the table and his mouth.</p><p>“Wait, are you serious about the rat thing?”</p><p>Arthur rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Don’t play dumb, Merlin. Worst of all, I think that was actually your best stew,” he said, cocking an eyebrow and smirking teasingly.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>Oh.</p><p>After a few moments of silence, Arthur sighed deeply.</p><p>“May I watch the warriors again?” he asked, looking and sounding somewhat defeated.</p><p>“The film? Yes, of course you may, Your Majesty.”</p><p>With a snap of his fingers, the DVD started to play, and Arthur slid over to the couch to gawk at the screen again. Eventually, Merlin sat down next to him.</p><p>“I like the music,” Arthur commented absentmindedly, and Merlin smiled.</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>“I’ve never heard anything like this before.”</p><p>“Tomorrow I’ll show you some music. Loads of music. All the music. You’re going to discover a whole new world.”</p><p>Arthur nodded silently, and he did not speak again. When the video clips ended, he stared at Merlin for a few moments with his lips parted, as though he were about to tell him something. But then he sighed loudly, and he just wished him goodnight before locking himself in his room.</p><p>Merlin stared at the closed door to Arthur’s room for a long time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The title of this chapter is a reference to the song "Light", by Sleeping at Last.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Little Lion Man</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's getting a little bit angstier!<br/>Thank you so much for your feedback so far.<br/>Your support means everything to me ♡</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>But it was not your fault but mine<br/>And it was your heart on the line<br/>I really fucked it up this time<br/>Didn't I, my dear?<br/>Didn't I, my-</p><p>Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons</p><p> </p><p>After another sleepless night, Merlin got up at dawn resignedly. His nerves were still on edge, and the prospect of a new day in the company of a person who apparently knew him well but who was little more than the ghost of a dream to him was overwhelming. And yet he was real, very real, and that made it all the more complicated, because Merlin could not anticipate Arthur’s reactions, nor did he have any way of knowing what the new day would bring. His imagination had always been a much safer ground; in it, Arthur always did what Merlin wanted him to do, and he knew that he could not offend him or hurt his feelings, because he was not real.</p><p>He went out for a walk around the lake, and the cool breeze of the morning greeted him with a gentle caress, making him feel alive, so alive, despite being a millennial man. He looked at the calm surface of the lake and discovered, to his wonder, that for the first time he could enjoy the beautiful view without sorrow stabbing his heart. The lake was suddenly just a lake, and its view was no longer painful.</p><p>When he got back to his cabin, he felt much better.</p><p>Arthur was still asleep, and Merlin made some coffee and toasts. He went out to the porch and had breakfast while scanning the latest news on his phone, trying to discover any calamity that might justify Arthur’s return. He did not find anything new.</p><p>In the distance sounded the distinctive horn of the baker’s van, and Merlin reached into his pocket for cash. The van came into vision, rattling happily on the dirty road, and Merlin rose to greet Charles and exchange a few words with him, as he did every day. And, just at that moment, and scaring him to death, the front door of the cabin slammed open and Arthur stepped out with his eyes wide open and his sword raised.</p><p>“Arthur!”</p><p>Arthur covered in two strides the distance that separated them and stood in front of Merlin protectively.</p><p>“Stay still, Merlin. I’ve seen that thing coming from the window of my room.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>He tried to get away from Arthur’s arm, but he was firmly keeping him behind.</p><p>“Arthur, for God’s sake, it’s just the baker!”</p><p>“The what…?”</p><p>Arthur lowered the sword slowly, but he kept shielding Merlin with his body, as if trying to protect him from the terrible threat of poor Charles’s ailing van.</p><p>“It’s Charles, the baker. That’s a van. A cart that works without horses. Arthur, please. You’re scaring him.”</p><p>The old man stepped out of his vehicle, shaking from head to toe.</p><p>“Oh. Sorry. I thought…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Hey, it’s the strangest thing I’ve ever seen, okay? I thought it could be that terrible threat that stalks Albion, the one from the prophecy you told me.”</p><p>“Charles and his van.”</p><p>Merlin burst out laughing. When Charles left a while after, Merlin was still wiping his tears, and Arthur was cursing under his breath.</p><p>*****</p><p>“Okay, I think it’s time you learnt about the means of transport of the 21<sup>st</sup> century,” Merlin decided after serving Arthur his first coffee.</p><p>So, by means of videos and images, he showed him all the means of transport —from bike to plane— and what was the purpose of each of them.</p><p>“Van,” he pointed with a smug smile, and Arthur rolled his eyes. Merlin wondered if he should feel ashamed of his cheekiness, but he was beginning to realize that Arthur never got really angry. Maybe that was how they used to talk to each other in that first life of them, but Merlin had no way of knowing that for certain. At least, he told himself, being allowed to address him with familiarity would make things easier.</p><p>He also showed him what cities look like today. The paved streets, the iron and glass buildings, the flashy shop windows, the shopping centres, the parks. Since Arthur was a military man, he also showed him some of the modern weapons, which upset Arthur deeply.</p><p>“What kind of honour can there be in killing a man from a distance?” he had said with disgust.</p><p>“Taking a life can never be honourable, I think.”</p><p>Arthur remained silent, and he did not ask what he could do, if he only knew how to use his sword, if the world did not need knights anymore, but still Merlin read the silent question in the crease that formed between his king’s eyebrows, in the dimmed light of his eyes. He did not reply though, because he did not know the answer either.</p><p>Seeing Arthur’s troubled expression, Merlin decided to leave the subject of democracy and the role of the crown for later, and he simply explained how the territory of Albion is divided today.</p><p>“So there’s no Albion.”</p><p>“Well… No.”</p><p>Arthur stared at him without really seeing. He looked more lost than ever in this world where there no longer seemed to be a place for him. Merlin wished he could mould one for him with his own hands.</p><p>“Would you like to watch the warriors?” he offered shyly, feeling completely useless. Fragments of a film; that was the only thing he could offer him as comfort.</p><p>Arthur shook his head slowly and lowered his gaze.</p><p>“Could you… could you show me…?” he stopped and frowned, as though he did not know how to continue.</p><p>“Sire?”</p><p>“Last night I was wondering… Can you…? You know.” He wiggled his hands and gestured vaguely towards the telly. “Capture images. Like those of the warriors.”</p><p>“Make a video? Yes, I can. With a camera.”</p><p>“And do you have videos of yourself?”</p><p>“Of… of myself?”</p><p>“Videos with you in them, in which you appear… doing things. Doing whatever you’ve been doing all these years.”</p><p>Merlin’s eyes widened.</p><p>“Oh. No. This is very recent technology, Arthur. The first video recordings date from the 19<sup>th</sup> century. And they had nothing to do with what you are seeing now.”</p><p>Arthur’s frown deepened.</p><p>“But… what about the warriors? They’re from an earlier time.”</p><p>“Oh. No, Arthur. They’re just actors. I explained it to you, remember? It’s just theatre, recorded theatre.”</p><p>“Ah.”</p><p>Arthur looked disappointed.</p><p>“Arthur…”</p><p>“I just… I would like to know what you’ve been doing all this time.”</p><p>Merlin bit his lip.</p><p>“Well… I could tell you if you wish.”</p><p>“Please,” Arthur said, and it almost sounded like a plea. Merlin’s heart shrunk.</p><p>“Right. Well. I… I’ve had time to do many things, you know? After… you know.”</p><p>Oh, it was difficult. Merlin had never had many problems with words, but now they refused to come in his help.</p><p>Arthur, nevertheless, seemed to understand. He nodded and pursed his lips.</p><p>“I didn’t go back to Camelot. Not until a long time later. Those first years passed slowly, very slowly. Then all the people we had known began to gradually disappear, and I… I found myself meeting many new people who also ended up disappearing, and then everyone kept doing the same thing, appearing only to vanish as if they had never existed. With every passing year everything seemed more and more fleeting, and soon I found myself witnessing lives passing one after the other, in an endless cycle, but I never joined them. No matter how much time passed, I was always stuck here, unchanging… eternal.”</p><p>Arthur winced, and Merlin decided to change the course of his story.</p><p>“I’ve always lived here. In a hut next to the lake. Waiting. But I’ve done many other things. I’ve travelled, I’ve travelled a lot, and I’ve met many interesting people. Musicians, artists, writers, inventors…. I’ve been a privileged witness to the progress of humanity.”</p><p>A fleeting smile settled on Arthur’s lips.</p><p>“But I never stayed away for too long. I always came back, always. And, even when I was far from… here,” he could not say <em>from you</em>, but that was what it had always been: being next to Arthur, being far from Arthur, “I always had with me an amulet with water from the lake. I’ve always had an eye on…” This time he looked up to meet Arthur’s veiled by emotion eyes. “…on you,” he completed courageously.</p><p>Arthur nodded almost imperceptibly.</p><p>“But…” he started to say in a hoarse voice. “Have you… have you been okay?”</p><p>Merlin was genuinely astounded by Arthur’s question. </p><p>“Yes, of course I’ve been okay,” he was quick to say, his voice forcefully cheerful, and he knew that he had not fooled Arthur in the least.</p><p>“Merlin…” he said softly, looking him in the eyes.</p><p>“Physically, yes, I’ve been perfectly well. It’s the good thing about being immortal. I mean, I must have died a dozen times or so, but…”</p><p>Arthur’s eyes widened in horror.</p><p>“Sometimes it happens,” Merlin shrugged. “It’s difficult to avoid accidents, especially if you are a bit clumsy and/or if you are involved in a war. Oh, no, don’t worry, it’s okay. I always come back,” he said, not without a hint of bitterness creeping into his voice. “And I’ve generally been fine. No serious illnesses, eternal youth… You know. I cannot complain.”</p><p>“Right. Now tell me: how have you been?” Arthur repeated with affectionate severity.</p><p>Merlin managed a sad smile.</p><p>“Alone,” he simply said.</p><p>He was surprised to see the deep sadness that seemed to wash over Arthur’s features. If it were not impossible, Merlin would have said that Arthur was on the verge of tears.</p><p>“Going back to your first question…” Merlin hastened to continue. “No, I don’t think I have any video of myself.”</p><p>Even so, to focus his attention on something other than Arthur’s sad eyes, Merlin took out his mobile phone and searched the gallery, but as he suspected he did not have any video in which he appeared. Arthur looked at the device warily.</p><p>“What the hell is that?”</p><p>“It’s part of tomorrow’s lesson. It’s a phone. Originally, phones were used to talk with a person remotely, listening to the voice of your interlocutor in real time no matter how far they were,” Merlin explained automatically, the Merlin professor coming to his rescue. “For example, with one phone each, even if I were in Ealdor and you were in Camelot, we could have talked and listened to each other as if we were in the same room.”</p><p>“It seems useful. Very useful indeed,” Arthur said, interested.</p><p>“Yeah. It’s quicker than letters. But nowadays phones are hardly used for that anymore. Look, now they’re cameras too.”</p><p>Merlin stretched his arm and opened the front camera. Seeing himself on the screen, Arthur raised a hand and waved, and he smirked as he saw the Arthur on the screen make the same move. Merlin smiled as well.</p><p>“Say <em>cheese</em>.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“It’s what you say when you are going to take a photo.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“No idea.”</p><p>“<em>Cheese</em>.”</p><p>Merlin’s smile widened as he took the photo. After opening it in the gallery, Merlin handed the phone to Arthur.</p><p>“See? There we are, you and me.”</p><p>Arthur spent a long time looking at the photograph.</p><p>“You have the same stupid smile as always,” he finally said, handing him the phone back. “That at least hasn’t changed.”</p><p>Merlin was not sure how to take that comment, but Arthur gave him a quick smile, and Merlin knew he was joking.</p><p>*****</p><p>Merlin soon regretted teaching Arthur how to shoot videos. As soon as he felt in his hands the power to capture moments of the present to relive them again in the future, Arthur devoted the rest of the morning to the very noble task of filling the memory of Merlin’s phone with minutes and minutes of video.</p><p>“This is Merlin cooking the food that is apparently eaten today. It seems it’s kept in bags and very weird little chests which, according to Merlin, are made of <em>practice</em>.”</p><p>“Plastic.”</p><p>“It seems fire is no longer needed. Now people heat things using that black magical stone. Merlin says that if I touch it, I’ll get burnt, and that it’s not magical.”</p><p>“Because it’s not.”</p><p>“Merlin is cooking something that will probably poison me. Merlin, say <em>cheese</em>, I’m capturing you in this mirror that isn’t magical at all so that the authorities, whoever they are, can know who to put to death. This will be my proof.”</p><p>“I’m sorry to disappoint you, Sire, but that penalty, thanks to God, does not exist anymore in this country,” he said, unable to hide his amusement.</p><p>“No? The stocks will do then,” Arthur shouted to the phone in a commanding tone.</p><p>“No stocks either.”</p><p>“What the hell is wrong with this God forsaken century?” Arthur complained with a dramatical sigh, and Merlin laughed.</p><p>“Many things, actually.”</p><p>“Okay. But you haven’t said <em>cheese</em> yet,” Arthur reminded him with a pout.</p><p>“<em>Cheese</em>,” Merlin said, grinning widely. “In fact, you’re only supposed to say that with photographs, you know?” </p><p>“I’m here too,” Arthur said ignoring his comment and turning the phone comically to try and appear on the screen too. “<em>Cheese</em>.” He turned the phone again. “Merlin, now I couldn’t see myself.”</p><p>“Of course you couldn’t, you are using the main camera and now you’re focusing elsewhere. When we watch the video later, you’ll be able to see yourself.”</p><p>Arthur grunted and lowered his arms in defeat.</p><p>“I don’t understand how this works,” he said, frustrated.</p><p>“It’s normal. Me neither. Come on, put that down and let’s sit down. Lunch is ready.”</p><p>*****</p><p>Pizza. That day, he had made pizza for Arthur, not caring too much that, for the moment, Arthur was not having an exactly healthy diet. But Merlin had found out that he liked to watch Arthur try new things, that he liked to see the way his eyes would widen in an awestruck gesture as he gobbled the new ambrosia with undisguised pleasure. The knot in his chest felt a little bit looser, and Merlin would say that he was beginning to enjoy Arthur’s presence and company. After discovering Arthur’s newfound vocation as a filmmaker, the atmosphere was lighter, and Merlin almost felt… good.</p><p><em>Everything is going well</em>, he dared tell himself.</p><p>And everything was going well, until…</p><p>“Why do you think I’m back?” Arthur asked straight out between bites of pizza, and Merlin was about to choke.</p><p>“What?” he cackled in a display of enviable eloquence.</p><p>“You said I was supposed to come back when Albion’s need is greatest. Has something happened?”</p><p>When he got over the surprise, Merlin stared at him pensively.</p><p>“Many things have happened in just over a hundred years…,” he started to say at last. “Great scientific and technological advances, as you can see. But also terrible things. Famine, epidemics, wars. There had been two world wars… Terrible, Arthur, they were terrible. The atrocities that… I cannot even begin to…”</p><p>“Merlin?”</p><p>“I was there. I saw it. All those injuries, all the casualties… Death roamed at ease, taking thousands of young men who should have had time to grow up, to get a family, to be happy, to live.”</p><p>Arthur swallowed.</p><p>“The Second World War was especially dreadful… Nazism. Concentration fields. Nuclear weapons. Arthur, now there are weapons capable of erasing a whole country from the map. Everything was terribly wrong, and I thought… I thought that you would return then. I thought that if that hadn’t made you come back…”</p><p><em>I thought you would never come</em>, he completed in his mind.</p><p>Arthur did not say anything. He seemed busy trying to process Merlin’s words.</p><p>“Well, after that… Cold War, the fall of the Wall of Berlin, financial crises, terrorist attacks…” Merlin was aware that Arthur must not be understanding much. “Pollution, climate change.”</p><p>He looked at Arthur, furrowing his brow.</p><p>“Regarding this last year… Truth is it has been quite hectic. Fires, explosions, citizen protests against injustices almost as ancient as humanity. But the most pressing crisis is a global pandemic.”</p><p>“A pandemic?”</p><p>“Something quite unexpected. A very contagious disease has spread across the globe. With all the advances in medicine, hardly anyone believed that something like this could happen…”</p><p>“Medical advances?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah. Most of the illnesses you knew have been eradicated. We have many remedies, and something called vaccines, which prevent us from getting ill. But then this virus… this disease came out of nowhere, and we were not ready to fight it. There are thousand of infected, thousands of deaths, collapsed hospitals in almost all countries, people confined to their homes. It’s definitely a crisis, but… Arthur, I don’t see how you could help in a situation like this.”</p><p>Arthur stared at his plate.</p><p>“Me neither.” He cleared his throat. “You… Are you doing something? To help?”</p><p>Merlin shrugged.</p><p>“I do what I can. Right now I work as a doctor in a hospital. I use my magic to help patients heal whenever I can. But in the end, my framework of action is quite limited.”</p><p>Arthur nodded.</p><p>“So you are a doctor, then?” he asked, interested.</p><p>“I am. I’ve always been a doctor. Among other things. Among many other things, actually. But most of the time I've been a doctor, or a teacher. Or both.”</p><p>Arthur nodded again.</p><p>“You are a good teacher,” he said, looking away quickly.</p><p>“Er… thanks.”</p><p>Merlin scratched his chin absentmindedly, and for some reason Arthur smiled slightly. The warmth of his gaze, however, did not manage to lighten that new thick silence.</p><p>“Anyway, Arthur, I don’t know… I don’t know what to think. Now I won’t even be able to help myself. I mean, I had to pretend I had caught the disease so that I could be absent from the hospital at such a time. I don’t know what you are doing here.”</p><p>Merlin realized how bitter his words had sounded as soon as he finished speaking, and watched in horror as the light in Arthur’s eyes dimmed instantly.</p><p>“Arthur, no, hey, I didn’t… I didn’t mean that. I’m glad you’re back. Of course I am. I’m very glad.”</p><p>But his words sounded false, because as much as he wanted to believe what he was saying, as much as he desired to mean it, he did not. They were empty words that sounded empty, and he knew that Arthur was aware of it.</p><p>Arthur did not speak again during the rest of the meal, and he barely dispensed a look in Merlin’s direction. As soon as he finished his dessert, he crawled over to the couch and remained silent, staring absently at the turned off television.</p><p>And Merlin could not take it anymore. Before even clearing the table, he ran to the privacy of the bathroom, and as soon as he closed the door behind him, he slipped against it until he was curled up on the floor. He had to cover his mouth with one of his sleeves to muffle his sobs.</p><p>Who was he kidding? Nothing was going well, nothing.</p><p>He did not want to face that situation anymore. The certainty of his failure crushed him. He did not want to see Arthur’s hurt eyes, those eyes that made a terrible voice scream in his ear that he had stayed alive all those years of loneliness for no reason whatsoever, because, apparently, he was unable to fulfil his mission, his only mission in life, which was to serve Arthur and be his support, his shoulder, his salvation; everything he needed Merlin to be.  </p><p>He had been alone for over a thousand years. He did not know how to share his life with someone else. He did not know how to make a space in his life for the person who was supposed to complete it. And, what was worse, he did not know how to stop hurting Arthur, over and over. Merlin was meant to be the half who would make Arthur whole, and instead he was making him feel miserable.</p><p>Although, if that were true, then Arthur should also be his half. It should work the other way around as well, shouldn’t it? And, well, Merlin did not feel whole.</p><p>But, after all, Merlin was a failure. Merlin was already broken. He did not want to break Arthur too. And he knew that he would do it, that he would finally break him, that…</p><p>He closed his eyes and wished everything was nothing more than a delusion. He closed his eyes, defeated, and wished that, when he came out of the bathroom, Arthur was gone.</p><p>And he sobbed even harder, appalled at his own desires; guilt and remorse piercing his heart.</p><p>And then he got up to his feet and washed his face quickly, and he composed himself, or at least he recomposed that mask that his face had become so long ago. He came out of the bathroom, shaking, and when he saw that the sofa was empty his vision blurred and for a moment he thought that some divinity may have heard that shameful thought of his and had taken Arthur away from him again.</p><p>He gasped for air, and he told himself that if he survived that, he was definitely immortal, because his heart felt like it was shredding.</p><p>“Merlin?”</p><p>Arthur was behind the table of the dining room, apparently cleaning it.</p><p>Merlin tried to breathe again, very slowly, and leaned against the doorframe. He barely registered that Arthur was coming over him with hesitant steps. He snapped back into reality when he felt Arthur’s hand on his right shoulder; a warm, solid, real hand that managed to ground him instantly. Arthur was there, there was no doubt.</p><p>His heart stopped hurting.</p><p>“Are you alright?”</p><p>Merlin nodded, since he did not trust his voice. He let Arthur peer at his face with those eyes that looked like a stormy sea.</p><p>“Merlin…”</p><p>Merlin suck in a breath. Arthur sighed.</p><p>“Could you teach me something more? Maybe something that’s not too depressing?”</p><p>Merlin knew that was not what Arthur had meant to say. And yet, he gratefully clung to the exit Arthur was offering him.</p><p>“I think I promised you some music,” he said, managing to give him a tiny smile. </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Some silhouette</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Fifth chapter! We're getting closer to the end.</p><p>Thank you so much for reading and sharing this journey with me. I really appreciate your patience and your encourgaing words. </p><p>I hope you enjoy this new update :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maybe it was the music, or maybe the relaxed and almost festive atmosphere that filled his cabin, but Merlin knew that after his enormous breakdown he could only go up. Having that moment of crisis had somehow helped him decide to face the situation differently. Whatever happened, he would never let anything make him wish, even for a single moment, that Arthur had not returned. He felt lighter, almost calm, as he promised himself that he would do everything in his power to help Arthur and to learn to love him again, even if he had to do it from scratch. He would stop mopping and being selfish, and would put Arthur always in the first place. In his rightful place.</p><p>So when fate —this time in the form of music— played tricks on them again, Merlin did not break down, at least not in such a pathetic way as last time.</p><p>Arthur had spent the whole evening fiddling with Spotify, selecting songs at random, greedy, eager, jumping from one song to another without letting almost any of them finish. They had begun with classical music, obviously, but now the song sequence seemed like the most random playlist ever. Christmas carols, jazz, heavy metal, Gregorian chant, rap, pop and even flamenco were alternated. Merlin did not understand how Arthur managed to come up with such songs; from where he was, he could only see his finger pounding too hard on the screen of his iPad. And, to be honest, he was too distracted by Arthur’s gestures and reactions. It was… He was… Lovely. When he liked a song, Arthur would stop holding the tablet so tightly and tilt his head to pay his full attention to it.</p><p>“Hmmm,” he hummed absently, and Merlin’s lips decided that that was worth a smile.</p><p>He was starting to doze off in that comfortable musical haze when La Macarena showed up.</p><p>“<em>Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena</em>…”</p><p>“What the hell is this?”</p><p>Merlin tilted his head backwards and barked a laugh.</p><p>“Of course,” he chuckled. “Sire, stand up, please.”</p><p>“Why.”</p><p>“Because this is La Macarena, and you don’t sing La Macarena. You dance La Macarena. No; you <em>live</em> La Macarena.”</p><p>“Merlin, I’m not going to dance to this ridiculous tune.”</p><p>“Do you want to understand this modern era yes or no?”</p><p>“Yes, but…”</p><p>“Then you’re dancing La Macarena.”</p><p>Merlin pulled Arthur up to his feet with a huge grin, trying to wrap his head around the fact that he was about to teach King Arthur to dance La Macarena.</p><p>“Come on,” he encouraged him, and started to dance himself. Arthur just stood there with his arms crossed over his chest and a frown.</p><p>“Come on, stop pouting and join me. It’s fun!”</p><p>“I don’t pout.”</p><p>“You do. Come on, don’t be so serious.”</p><p>“I am a serious king.”</p><p>Merlin eyed him up and down and wrinkled his nose.</p><p>“Nah, you don’t look like one.”</p><p>Arthur raised an eyebrow, and the hint of a smile tugged at the corner of his lips.</p><p>“Come on! It’s fun, I promise!”</p><p>“Fun? You look ridiculous. I’m not going to make a fool of myself, thank you.”</p><p>“<em>Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena</em>…” Merlin chanted, moving towards Arthur and grabbing his arms to help him make the moves.</p><p>Arthur rolled his eyes, but he let Merlin do, and there it was the little smile again, encouraging Merlin to continue.</p><p>And together they followed all the dance steps, matching the lyrics, and Merlin flushed helplessly among all those arms, and hands, and hair, and chest, and hips, and huffs, and smiles, but he did his best to ignore it. Arthur’s cheeks seemed to burn too, but neither of them acknowledged it.</p><p>With the third repetition, Arthur shoved Merlin off.</p><p>“Step aside, you obviously cannot keep up with the pace…” he stated, and proceeded to dance on his own to Merlin’s absolute delight.</p><p>Two minutes later, they were sprawling on the sofa, panting and laughing, exhausted but strangely happy.</p><p>“That wasn’t entirely horrible,” Arthur conceded, and Merlin rewarded him with a smile.</p><p>“Let’s dance next song too,” he suggested.</p><p>They awaited expectantly for the next one, which, in that ridiculous playlist of Arthur, turned out to be a damned tango.</p><p>“Ah, no. We are definitely not dancing that,” Merlin said vehemently, letting out a chuckle.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Believe me, you wouldn’t want to dance that with me,” he laughed nervously. “Why don’t we just look for something a little bit more… kingly?” He made a quick search. “Ah. Yeah. Let’s try the Blue Danube.”</p><p>He stood up and offered Arthur a hand politely.</p><p>“Would you grant me this dance, Your Majesty?”</p><p>A smiled flashed in Arthur’s beaming face.</p><p>“I thought you were never going to ask.”</p><p>And so they danced foolishly around the room, spinning and tripping every so often, with their limbs tangled, their fingers intertwined and Merlin making a fool of himself, humming the melody all along and exaggerating all his moves. Arthur laughed, he laughed a lot, and Merlin decided that Arthur’s laugh was better than the finest musical piece ever written. Forget about Mozart, Beethoven or Bach. In all their virtuosity, they could have never matched the pureness of Arthur’s laughter.</p><p>When the piece was finishing, Arthur pulled Merlin closer, and suddenly he was too aware of the hand that was resting on his waist. Merlin blushed and, when he lifted his gaze, he was met by Arthur’s piercing eyes.</p><p>“You haven’t got many qualities, but you are not such a bad dancer,” he said with a soft smirk.</p><p>“I am terrible,” Merlin corrected him.</p><p>“Yeah, well, you are.”</p><p>Both laughed, and then… Then they were too close, so close that Merlin could even feel Arthur’s breath slightly tickling his lips and…</p><p>“It’s getting late,” he announced abruptly, pulling back and untangling himself from Arthur’s grip. “I should probably start making you dinner.”</p><p>“No, please. I-I like this,” Arthur said after a pause in an unbearably vulnerable way.</p><p>“Why don’t you keep scrolling, Sire? You may discover more music. Try… try <em>Queen</em>, for example,” Merlin stuttered, shoving the iPad into Arthur’s now empty hands.</p><p>“<em>Queen</em>?”</p><p>“It’s a group. You’ll like it.”</p><p>And, like the coward he was, Merlin ran away from Arthur and took refuge behind the kitchen’s counter.</p><p>*****</p><p>Then, calm settled down again in Merlin’s cabin, as he began to prepare a lasagna and Arthur kept playing with his Spotify account. He followed Merlin's recommendation and stayed a little bit with Freddie and company, and for some reason his ears turned crimson red with the soppy <em>You are my best friend</em>.</p><p>“I like it,” he admitted, and Merlin shrugged and focused again on the bechamel.</p><p>Then the crazy playlist came back.</p><p>And then it happened.</p><p>Destiny would not let them move on and bond again without dealing with all the things they had left unspoken, or so it seemed.  </p><p>Merlin was about to finish his lasagna, and in the background, a soft, melancholic tune sounded. And, as he bent down to put the lasagna into the oven, he felt the atmosphere change abruptly, holding again an impossible tension. He got up, frowned and looked for Arthur. He was standing in the middle of the living room, frozen, and when he felt Merlin gaze upon him, he raised his head to meet his eyes. Arthur's eyes were filled with tears, and his lips pursed in a thin line. The music enveloped them, loud and impossible to ignore. Merlin did not recognize the song, but, worried at Arthur’s reaction, he began to pay attention to the lyrics.</p><p>They hit him with the force of a truck. Suddenly, it seemed as though the void had been made in the room, and the air had been replaced by that song which somehow was voicing all the things they had not dared to say to each other.</p><p>They just looked into each other’s eyes and let the song establish the dialogue for them.</p><p>“<em>It’s as if you don’t remember…”</em></p><p>
  <em>"…It’s as if you can’t forget.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s only been a moment...”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“…It’s only been a lifetime.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>…But tonight you are a stranger, some silhouette.</em>
</p><p>Merlin put a hand to his lips. Arthur supressed a sob.</p><p>The song continued…</p><p>“<em>Just hold me. Just hold me. Just hold me. Just hold me</em>.” <strong><span class="u"><sup>1</sup></span></strong></p><p>Every time the singer repeated those three words, it felt as if a dagger pierced his heart. <em>Just hold me, please.</em> He had heard those words before, hadn’t he…?</p><p>Merlin blinked, and two tears slid down his cheeks. He barely registered that Arthur had thrown the iPad on the couch and had run out of the cabin.</p><p>Merlin picked up the device, paused the music and went out to find Arthur.</p><p>*****</p><p>He found him sitting by the lake, staring off into the distance and hugging his knees. The image exuded fragility, and yet there was none of that in Arthur. Merlin recognized in him the pose of a warrior who has lost everything and has accepted that he has nothing left to do but to mourn the loss of his loved ones and move on. </p><p>“A stranger,” Arthur mumbled without looking at him as Merlin sat next to him.</p><p>Merlin did not reply.</p><p>“I’ve noticed. You don’t remember anything. You don’t remember Camelot. You don’t remember me. You don’t even remember… you.”</p><p>Merlin fixed his gaze on the toes of his trainers.</p><p>“That’s why you behave like this.”</p><p>“Like this?”</p><p>“Like this,” Arthur repeated, confident, pointing him up and down. “So different. You don’t seem the same person.”</p><p>“Arthur…”</p><p>Arthur stared at him at last. His eyes were shinning with unshed tears.</p><p>“All that courtesy. Not a single insult. Not a prat, not a clotpole, not a dollophead. And you say my titles meaning them, without adding that cheeky sarcasm of yours, but also without… warmth. I am… I am a stranger to you, am I wrong?”</p><p>Very slowly, Merlin shook his head.</p><p>“I’m sorry. It’s almost like I’m meeting you for the first time,” he confessed. “After so long, the only thing that I know for sure is that I was your manservant, so that’s what I’ve been trying to be. I’m not sure I’ve been doing a great job though.”</p><p>He tried for a smile, thinking about the dances and the laughter, but Arthur only returned a sad gesture that could barely pass for a smirk.</p><p>“Don’t worry. It’s okay. You always were the worst servant I ever had. And I wouldn’t have changed you for the world.”</p><p>Merlin swallowed hard in an attempt to undo the lump in his throat.</p><p>“But you’ve always been much more than that. I wish you remembered. You are, first and foremost, my friend, Merlin. The best friend I’ve ever had.”</p><p>Tears welled up in Merlin’s eyes, inevitable and unstoppable.</p><p>“Oh, Arthur, I’m sorry, I…” he started.</p><p>Arthur shook his head, not losing that sad grin that was supposed to be a smile.</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize, Merlin. I understand. Fifteen hundred years. You’ve been living for fifteen hundred years. And, tell me, how many of these years did you spend in Camelot, with me? Ten?”</p><p>“Eight, I think,” Merlin muttered.</p><p>“Eight years. Eight years in a scale of fifteen hundred. I get it. I was only a small part of your life. It’s normal that you've forgotten me.”</p><p>“Arthur.” Gathering courage, Merlin took Arthur’s hands into his own. “I may have forgotten the details, but there’s one thing that I know for sure, and no matter how much time passes, it will never change."</p><p>He waited until he was sure he had Arthur's full attention.</p><p>"You were the best part of my life.”</p><p>Arthur’s hands trembled in his and the man blinked furiously, as if to hold back tears. And Merlin suddenly understood where that devastating sadness of his came from.</p><p>Arthur had lost everyone, everyone but him. Only that he had lost him too, because Merlin was no longer the same, and Arthur now knew that for sure. And Merlin was reminding him now what he had lost: whatever they had had, something that must have been important to him, something that must have been pure, and big. Merlin thought that he might be about to experience his first death out of pure sadness.</p><p>“I’m glad you are here, Merlin,” Arthur said, breaking his heart a little bit more.</p><p>And, suddenly, these words took him to a remote beach, to a beach at the end of a labyrinth, to a table and two goblets, one of them poisoned. Merlin felt his pulse race. Had that really happened? Had it not been the mere fantasy of a stupid immortal that had read too many books and watched too many films? Had Arthur really drunk poison for him? Had he been willing to lay down his life for Merlin’s…?</p><p>Arthur had just said that Merlin had been his best friend. And Merlin, for the first time, dared to believe that perhaps his memories were really memories and not inventions, and that perhaps the Arthur he thought he had imagined was actually the real Arthur, flesh and blood.</p><p>But he could not know. He could not know for sure. His eyes burned, full of unshed tears, and his heart burned too, it burned with the desire to remember, to get to know that man who did not deserve to lose him too, if that saddened him the least.</p><p>He wanted to make him feel better, he needed to have him know that…</p><p>“Arthur,” he gently whispered. “You know… There’s something I haven’t forgotten and that I know that, for many years that I may live, I will never forget.”</p><p>Arthur raised his head to stare at him, looking slightly hopeful.  </p><p>“I know I didn’t tell you who I really was until the end. I know I lied, and that I kept a very important part of myself from you. And I know you’d been raised to hate that part of me. And I remember, Arthur, I remember, that you chose to use your last moments to let me know that you accepted me, just as I am. I… I had lied to you and you… you just accepted my magic… you accepted me for everything I was.  And you made me feel… you made me feel whole.” Merlin did not recall the exact words, nor the moment, but he knew Arthur had accepted him, he knew what it had meant to him, and he needed to let him know. “You have no idea how much that meant to me. I’ve carried with me that certainty, the certainty that you didn’t reject me, every day. It helps me accept myself too when I feel that I don’t fit anymore; it helps me carry on when I think that there’s no longer a place for me in this world that has forgotten magic. I never had the chance to thank you. So, thank you, Arthur. Thank you.”</p><p>Merlin felt much better when he saw the warmth that flooded Arthur’s eyes, the impossible fondness with which he was looking at him.</p><p>And he suddenly had an idea. Maybe he could do something with his magic. Perhaps… Perhaps Arthur could help him remember.</p><p>“Arthur, hey, it just occurred to me that maybe… Maybe I could try to use my magic to remember.”</p><p>Arthur’s eyes seemed to light up.</p><p>“You think you can?”</p><p>“Well, not on my own. If it were that easy, I’d have already done it long ago. No. I'd need… I'd need you.”</p><p>Arthur started.  </p><p>“I mean, I could try to see your memories,” Merlin hurried to clarify.</p><p>Arthur stared at him as though weighing the possibility.</p><p>“Only if you want, of course. If you feel comfortable enough. I’d have to use my magic on you, and…”</p><p>“Merlin,” Arthur cut him off softly. “Get on with it.”</p><p>Merlin took a deep breath and raised a hand.</p><p>“Do you trust me?” he asked, still unsure. He needed to know Arthur was okay with what he was about to do.</p><p>Arthur stared at him, and Merlin felt naked under the intensity of that gaze that seemed able to reach the deepest parts of his soul.</p><p>“Yes, Merlin. I do. Always,” was Arthur’s answer. </p><p>Merlin smiled weakly and placed a shaking hand on Arthur’s warm forehead. Arthur leant into the palm of his hand, as if looking to be merged with it.</p><p>Merlin focused, thought about what he desired to do, and asked, in the Ancient Language, to be granted a safe passage through Arthur’s memories.</p><p>His eyes turned golden as they always did, and Arthur gasped softly. But nothing happened. Merlin’s thoughts and memories were still his own. Arthur’s mind was still uncharted territory for Merlin.</p><p>Eventually, he withdrew his hand, and Arthur seemed more lost than ever, suddenly deprived of the warmth of Merlin’s touch.</p><p>“I’m sorry, it didn’t—it didn’t work. I don’t know why. I’m sorry, Arthur.”</p><p>Arthur stayed very still for a while, and Merlin noticed with concern that he was barely breathing.</p><p>“Are you all right?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” Arthur said at last. “It’s getting late. I think I’m going to turn in,” he announced dispassionately.</p><p>“But… We haven’t had dinner yet.”</p><p>“Oh. I’m not hungry.” He stood up and started off in the cabin’s direction. “See you tomorrow, Merlin,” he said, not spearing him a last glance.</p><p>Merlin stayed there, staring at the distant island for a while longer. Before he left he took a moment to curse the Sidhe, as usual. </p><p>“If you had given him back to me sooner, you'd have saved us a lot of trouble,” he complained.</p><p>*****</p><p>Merlin wanted to enter Arthur’s room. He had planned to knock, enter, sit by his side on the bed, hold his hand and tell him that he was not going to leave him. That he would be there, always, for whatever he needed. And that he might not remember, but that he knew they had been friends once, and he was convinced they could be friends again. That he almost felt like a friend already, and that he felt a very intense and very special affection for him, something he had not felt since… probably since he lost him, so long ago.</p><p>But he did not find the courage to do it. He stood in front of his door, not daring to cross that last barrier, with his forehead resting on the door and his fist frozen in the air, never gathering the strength to knock. How long he had spent like this, he could not say.</p><p>In the end, he shuffled to his own room and told himself he should stop thinking about Arthur if he wanted to get some sleep at least for one night.</p><p>Except, new technologies once again allied against him —Merlin wondered if Arthur would be right, and there was some kind of sorcery in them that had escaped his perception.</p><p>Be that as it may, when he picked up the phone to charge it like every night, he found a message announcing that the device’s memory was almost full. He opened the gallery, determined to free up space, only to find it filled with Arthur.</p><p>His heart shivered. And, instead of deleting all those failed videos attempts, he opened them, his finger drawn to the screen like a magnet.</p><p>“Cheese. ChEeSE,” Arthur was saying, so pure and innocent, unaware that he was recording a video. “This is rubbish.”</p><p>“Merlin! Your little magic mirror is broken!”</p><p>“Hello, please, mister <em>phome</em>, I’d really appreciate if you could take a photograph. Thank you.”</p><p>“I’ve said <em>cheese</em>. You have to do your magic now!”</p><p>Merlin laughed helplessly, and felt fondness overflowing his heart. Oh, how he wished he had had something like that during all those lonely years. How he wished he had had proof that Arthur had existed in the same world as him.</p><p>“Right. This is a video, I think. I’m going to capture Merlin, because he’s an idiot and he hasn’t been able to appear in any video after so many years, and now I have no way of knowing what the hell he’s been doing all this time without me. Ah, there he is. This is Merlin cooking the food that is apparently eaten today. It seems it’s kept in bags and very weird little chests which, according to Merlin, are made of <em>practice</em>.”</p><p>“Plastic,” the Merlin from the video corrected, in an exasperated but fond tone, and Merlin was surprised to see how natural his smile seemed, how much his own eyes sparkled.</p><p>At some point before lunch, Arthur had left the mobile phone on the table without closing the camera, which had continued recording. There was nothing to be seen, nothing but darkness, but their muffled voices could still be heard. Merlin could not bear to listen to that conversation again, so he played the video forward. He was about to pause it when suddenly the screen lit up. Arthur had picked up the phone again, and was staring at the screen with a resolute expression.</p><p>“Merlin,” Arthur said in a whisper. “Hey. I don’t know if this is working and you’ll be able to see me saying this later, but… Well, I think I may find easier to say certain things to a magical mirror than to you. Yes, I know, I know… I’m a prat. But you know I’m like this, and that I have no remedy. So, listen, I… I just wanted to say… I don’t know what I want to say. It’s all so weird, and you’re acting so strange. And I don’t know why I’m here. And now it’s clear that you don’t know why I’m here either. But the fact is that I am here and, and… And I’m glad that you are here too, and that you’ve welcomed me into your home, and that you’re teaching me all these things about this new world. Seriously, Merlin. If it weren’t for you, I’d be even more lost than I already am. And I feel so so lost. You know, I’m not really sure if this is happening, or if I’m delirious, or if I’m still dead and this is the afterlife.” Arthur let out a bitter chuckle. “I thought I’d never see you again, you know? And now you’re here, but you’re not. And, well, I don’t know. Just… Forgive me for leaving you alone for so long. Forgive me for making you wait. And forgive me for stepping again into your life after all this time. I’m so sorry. I think I’ve ruined it all.”</p><p>And, by some strange coincidence, Arthur had managed to stop the recording successfully.</p><p>The next file Merlin opened with shaky fingers was the photograph he had taken of the two of them to show Arthur how the camera worked. From the screen of his phone, two smiling faces were looking at him, two surprised and somewhat disoriented-looking faces, but the two pairs of eyes, of different shades of blue, where shinning happily.</p><p>Merlin went to sleep with that image burnt into his retina. When Morpheus finally took hold of him, his face was a mix of smiles and tears.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>1. Silhouette - Aquilo. It's the song this fic is titled after :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. My war is over</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I decided to split the last chapter into two to add a fluffy and a little bit more conclusive epilogue, because I needed it after all the angst.<br/>I'll publish the final chapter as soon as possible (probably tomorrow).<br/>For now, enjoy this new update :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>A blond boy was showing off in front of his friends, picking on a poor servant who he would not stop throwing daggers at, as though launching knifes at someone was the pinnacle of masculinity, and not a terribly dangerous activity that could end with the poor serving boy severely injured. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Said servant finally stumbled and fell, and the target he had been taking refuge behind rolled to the feet of a raven-haired boy who was witnessing the scene with a disapproving frown. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hey. Come on, that’s enough,” the boy said with a wary smile. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You have had your fun, my friend.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Do I know you?” the blonde blurted, narrowing his eyes and cracking a haughty smile.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No, I’m Merlin.” Merlin offered a hand which the other boy shamelessly ignored.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So I don’t know you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Eh, no.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“And yet you called me ‘friend’.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That was my mistake.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes, I think so.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah… I’d never have a friend that could be such an arse.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Or I one who could be so stupid.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was a curious first meeting, almost prophetic in an ironic way, because it turns out that the blond boy was Prince Arthur of Camelot, and that the raven one was Merlin, the best warlock to ever walk the Earth, and it was set in stone that they were two sides of the same coin, and that one would never be complete without the other. And so, Arthur, who ended up becoming King, always had Merlin by his side, for from that very first day, due to fate, he had become his manservant. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And they were more than just a king and his servant. They were more than friends, more than confidants; they were something that no one had been before, and that no one has ever been again. </em>
</p><p><em>They were </em>one<em>. </em></p><p>*****</p><p>“ARTHUR!”</p><p>Merlin sat bolt upright, sweaty and heart pounding. It took him a while to settle and to recognize the bed in which he was sleeping and the soft and comfortable clothes he was wearing. It was a shock to discover that he was still Merlin, the Merlin of the 21<sup>st</sup> century, who had an old soul and an insultingly young body.</p><p>But he had just remembered. He remembered everything. He had relived it all in a dream. He could not have been asleep for more than two hours, and yet, somehow, he had relived his entire life in Camelot: his very first life, his true life.</p><p>The spell. It must have worked while he was asleep, and all the memories had returned to him in the form of dreams. However, instead of viewing Arthur’s memories from Arthur’s perspective, he had somehow regained his own. And he had been Merlin once more: the young Emrys the prophecies spoke about, Gaius’s apprentice, Arthur’s servant.</p><p>Arthur.</p><p>Arthur was back. Arthur had returned. Arthur was on the other side of the wall.</p><p>Arthur. His Arthur.</p><p>Merlin jumped out of the bed, frantic.</p><p>“Arthur!”</p><p>He was there, he must be on his bed, he had spent two full days with him, and Merlin had not been aware that it was Arthur, that it was him, that he was alive and by his side.</p><p>“Arthur!”</p><p>What if he was not there anymore? What if he had lost his chance? What if he opened the door only to find that Arthur had vanished because he had been unable to recognise him? What if he had lost him again?</p><p>“Arthur!” he bawled, slamming the door to his room.</p><p>“Merlin?”</p><p>Arthur was sitting up on the bed, his hair messy and his face worried and splendidly alive.</p><p>“Are you al-“</p><p>Merlin did not let him finish. He jumped on him and wrapped him in a fierce embrace. He buried his face on his shoulder, and trembled, and sobbed, and clung to him eagerly, afraid that he might disappear if he let go. Arthur seemed to freeze at first, but he promptly wrapped his arms around him and hugged him back tightly.</p><p>“Shh Merlin. I’m here. I’m here.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Arthur,” he sobbed. “I’m so, so, so sorry. I didn’t know. I couldn’t remember, Arthur. It’s been so long. So long…”</p><p>“I understand,” Arthur softly whispered in his ear.</p><p>Merlin shook his head.</p><p>“But I’ve remembered, Arthur. I remember everything now. I remember you.” He sobbed harder. “And I remember how you were, who you were, and how we were together. I-I remember. I remember what we did, and I remember how much you meant to me. Arthur…”</p><p>“Shh Merlin. It’s okay.”</p><p>Merlin loosened his grip and leaned back just enough to look Arthur in the eye.</p><p>“I’ve missed you, Arthur. Oh, how I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much that I almost lost myself. And I almost lost you too. I-I- I sometimes felt like I couldn’t go on anymore. God, you don’t know how much I’ve missed you. I began to forget because it hurt too much. I’m sorry, Arthur. I’m so sorry. I would never forget you. I couldn’t-”</p><p>“Merlin,” Arthur shushed him gently. “I understand. It’s okay. I... It’s unthinkable for me that you’ve spent so long waiting. Waiting <em>for me</em>.” His voice broke. “I can’t… I can’t even imagine what you must have gone through, all these years, alone. I wish I had known. I wish I could have come back sooner. I wish I had been here, with you.”</p><p>Merlin sniffed.</p><p>“Yeah.” He tried for a smile, but it came out weak.</p><p>Arthur rubbed his arms.</p><p>“It’s good to have you back,” he said with a sincere smile. “I think what scared me the most about all this was seeing you so different, so unlike you. Specially when I-,” for some reason he stopped abruptly, visibly flustered.</p><p>“Forgive me. I didn’t know how to deal with, well, everything.”</p><p>“Yeah… I’d say I understand, but I really can’t. It’s… Oh, Merlin. I’m sorry. But it’s fine. Truly. I’m so glad to see that you’re still there, after all. The real you, I mean. Merlin. My… my Merlin,” Arthur said, not without a tinge of uncertainty in his voice.</p><p>Merlin chewed his lower lip, suddenly worried.</p><p>“A-Arthur. I… I know you asked me to never change, but… After all this time I guess I’ll have become a little bit more… Extravagant,” he said, trembling.</p><p>But, to his relief, Arthur just laughed.</p><p>“I don’t think that’s a great deal,” he chuckled fondly. “After all, you’ve always been weird. And I like you that way.”</p><p>Merlin ventured a smile, but Arthur’s expression turned solemn.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Merlin. I blame myself for all you’ve been through. I can’t understand why you’ve been kept here, all these years, waiting for me. Only for me. It’s…” He shook his head, full of impotence and sorrow. “I was just a king. I was a king in my time, that’s all, and I wasn’t even that good, nor did I have time to turn Camelot into everything I’d dreamt she could be. I’m not that important.”</p><p>“What?” Merlin snapped, taking both of Arthur’s hands into his. “Of course you are, Arthur. Of course you are important. To me, you are. I meant it when I told you there would never be another like you. There’s never been anyone more important than you in my entire life.”</p><p>Arthur smiled fondly and placed a reassuring hand on Merlin’s neck.</p><p>“I’ve been thinking. I couldn’t sleep, you know? I couldn’t stop thinking about… everything. I couldn’t understand why I’m here. It didn’t feel like there was a place for me in this world. But I was supposed to come back when Albion needed me most, right?”</p><p>Merlin nodded and gave him a questioning look.</p><p>“But it turns out that I’m back and Albion is no more, and that the world is full of problems I cannot solve, and that you’ve been stuck here for so long that you didn’t even remember me.”</p><p>Merlin flinched, and Arthur resumed caressing his arms.</p><p>“Of those three things, Merlin, there was only one I could try and fix.”</p><p>Merlin frowned slightly, not following Arthur’s reasoning.</p><p>“You, Merlin,” Arthur said, gifting him a blinding smile. “I realized I could help you. And then I understood. You helped me build Albion, Merlin, you are part of this land. The part of Albion that has survived after all this time. Merlin.” His gaze swept over Merlin’s features. “You are Albion now.”</p><p>Merlin’s eyes widened.</p><p>“I… I’d never seen it that way,” he confessed. “But… you may be right.”</p><p>Arthur smiled and cupped Merlin’s face in his calloused but soft hand.</p><p>“Then maybe I’m here because of you. Maybe I was meant to return when you needed me most,” he ventured, wiping away Merlin’s tears with his thumb tenderly.</p><p>Merlin covered Arthur’s hand with his own.</p><p>“Then don’t leave me again,” he whispered against his palm in a desperate plea.</p><p>Arthur nodded and pulled him closer to wrap him in a new embrace.</p><p>“I promise,” he murmured against his neck. “This time I’ll stay with you.”</p><p>Merlin trembled and clung to him.</p><p>“I won’t ever leave you alone, Merlin. Your war is over.”</p><p>Merlin blinked, helplessly trying to hold back tears.</p><p>“My war is over…” he repeated underneath his breath.</p><p>He realized, aback, that his king was right. He had not been waiting. Since Camlann he had actually been at war, always at war: at war against destiny, against the passage of time, against his loneliness, against hopelessness, against his memories… Against himself.</p><p>And wars always leave wounds, both physical and mental. Merlin’s soul was scarred.</p><p>Arthur was right. The world was going mad, and maybe Merlin was going a bit mad too, and he needed Arthur more than ever. He did not really believe that Arthur had returned only for him —he was not even remotely that important—, and most likely he was there for something related to everything that was happening in the world, but the fact is that he was there, and that Merlin needed him, and that he was not going to let him go ever again. So he snuggled up against Arthur and got lost in his arms. He did nothing to hold back his tears, instead letting them drain away all the grief and pain accumulated after a millennium of existence.</p><p>And, for the first time in fifteen hundred years, in Arthur’s arms, Merlin felt Merlin again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The title of this chapter is a reference to the song 'The War', by SYML.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Epilogue: You make me live</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And, finally, the conclusion of this story.</p><p>Thank you so much for joining me on this journey. It's the first time I've posted a work by chapters, and it's been incredibly rewarding, reading all your wonderful opinions and receiving your kind words of encouragement. You're the reason I've carried on writing even in moments when it seemed the days were lacking hours and minutes.</p><p>I hope you've enjoyed the ride as much as I have. And, to those of you who are discovering this fic right now, feel welcome! I know it's great to find an already finished work and binge-read it. I just hope you've found it entertaining so far.</p><p>Enjoy this little epilogue :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>Epilogue: You make me live</strong> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Merlin managed to say at last. “You’ve lost everything at once, and I haven’t been there for you. I was so focused on me, and I’ve been cold, and I’ve failed you again…”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Stop blaming yourself, Merlin. You’ve never failed me, ever. And we were both going through a very difficult situation; you even more than me. I should apologize too. I haven’t been there for you either, at least not the way I should have. I didn’t understand what was happening to you. I should have. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Arthur, I…”</p><p>“And I haven’t lost everything, Merlin. I have you.”</p><p>“Arthur, don’t…”</p><p>“<em>Mer</em>lin,” Arthur cut him off softly.  “I already thought I had lost everything, that day after Camlann: my wife, my knights, my kingdom. I was dying. I accepted that I was leaving everything behind. That door has already been closed. You understand?”</p><p>Merlin did not know if he understood. Arthur sighed.</p><p>“What I regretted the most at that moment was… having to leave you. Just when I had just realized who you really were, and all the things you had done for me, and how much… how much…” He sighed again.  “I remember thinking that I wanted more time with you. I desperately wanted to have more time to get to know you, to know the real you, and to be able to thank you as you deserved. And by some miracle I guess now I have that chance. I couldn’t be happier.”</p><p>Arthur smiled at him almost shyly. Merlin was so overwhelmed that he did not know what to say.</p><p>“I want you to know,” he managed to articulate at last. “I want you to know that, even if I hadn’t remembered, I was… I was starting to get to know you again, and I liked how you were. I liked everything. I hadn’t felt that good in centuries and I-- I liked you. I think we would have been the same again, in the end. Even if we cannot exactly be a king and a servant anymore…”</p><p>Arthur leaned closer until their foreheads rested one against the other. They stayed like that for a while, the remains of any previous boundary turned into another ghost from the past, and Merlin could not help looking at Arthur's lips, allowing himself to dream that maybe, maybe this time…</p><p>“I’m not going to miss being king,” Arthur muttered.</p><p>“No?” Merlin said, still entranced by Arthur’s lips.</p><p>“No. In fact, I always dreamed of leaving Camelot and living in a simple way in a place where nobody knew who I was, where I could be just Arthur. In a place like this.” He laughed. “Well, not exactly like this. Like this, but without the <em>electrity</em> and magic mirrors and all that.”</p><p>Merlin smiled so hard that his cheeks hurt.</p><p>“You sure you’ll not miss bossing people around and having an excuse to be an insufferable pompous arse all the time?” he joked.</p><p>Arthur laughed, a glorious and extremely happy sound coming from the depths of his chest.</p><p>“Don’t worry. As I said, I still have you. I have no intention of stopping riling you up, you know. To be honest I always pictured taking you with me to my small cottage so that I could continue annoying you.”</p><p>“Clotpole,” Merlin muttered with a click of his tongue.</p><p>Arthur’s smile widened even more.</p><p>“So,” he continued. “I think we’ll be well. Although I guess it’s going to take me a bit to adapt to all the new things. I trust you’ll help me?”</p><p>Merlin retreated a bit so he could look into Arthur’s eyes.</p><p>“Of course I will, you prat,” Merlin assured, smiling. “But I think you’ve already got the hang of recording videos. For the sake of what little sanity I may still have, I really hope you never discover YouTube.”</p><p>“Well, I don’t know what you just called me. So, just in case… Shut up, you idiot.”</p><p>Arthur’s smile rivalled the sun in brightness. Merlin laughed, feeling younger and lighter than ever. As if he could not help it, Arthur pulled him back against his chest. He rested his chin on the crown of Merlin’s head and rocked him gently. Merlin let him do, happier than he had ever been.</p><p>“<em>Ooh, you make me live. Ooh, you’re my best friend</em>…” Arthur started to hum quietly.</p><p>Merlin suppressed a laugh as he untangled himself from Arthur's arms. </p><p>“Are you really singing to me the soppiest of Queen songs?” he asked with the same tone in which he used to ask Arthur if he was giving him a compliment.</p><p>“It’s not <em>soppy</em>, it’s <em>catchy</em>,” Arthur corrected with a pout and a smile. “I’m just singing it. If you feel reflected in the lyrics it's your problem.”</p><p>“Right,” Merlin retorted with a chuckle.</p><p>Arthur laughed and cupped his cheek with his hand.</p><p>“It’s true, though,” he said a little more serious.</p><p>“It’s true that you were singing it to me?”</p><p>Arthur shook his head, and the smile came back to his lips.</p><p>“It’s true that you are my best friend. And that you make me live. And basically everything that stupid song says. Including that other bit," he said, lowering his gaze and clearing his throat.</p><p>“Wh-what other bit?” Merlin stuttered faintly, holding his breath.</p><p>“That my feelings for you are true."</p><p>He paused, looked at Merlin and added, unbearably soft:</p><p>"And that I love you.”</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Merlin’s mind was completely blank. His heart had taken the helm, and he just felt. He only felt love, love, love and more love, and there were not enough words in any language that could possibly express what he felt for Arthur.</p><p>“And, Merlin, I want you to know that, whatever the reason I’m here… We’ll find a way to figure it out. We will, Merlin. Together.”</p><p>Merlin recognized those words, and he remembered clearly the moment he had spoken them so many years ago, just before Arthur gave him his mother’s sigil.</p><p>Merlin had nothing so valuable to give Arthur in return this time.</p><p>Nothing except his heart.</p><p>“Together,” he echoed in wonder, and closed the distance that separated them to give Arthur, in the form of a kiss, his whole heart.</p><p>“Together,” Arthur promised before returning the kiss.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>